A Word From Stephanie

I find I don’t like beginning essays/blogs/whatever you’d like to call them because I feel some need to say something clever. I am not clever, so I am going to skip over this part.

God's plan for marriage is incredible to me. Initially I married Jason because he was hot, wonderful, and I loved him. Now I realize, God had a plan all along to use marriage to shape me into the likeness of Him. Never in my life have I been so completely forced to face my insecurities, my fears, my past hurts, my present assumptions. Every time I find a new stumbling block to my marriage, I am amazed to find I have the same stumbling block in my relationship with God. You’d think I’d get over being amazed! Presently, God is in the business of addressing the guilt and fear that to some extent has plagued me for as long as I can remember. From a young age, every time my parents called my name fear would sweep over me as I thought (falsely about 90% of the time) that I was in trouble, that they were angry or disappointed with me. Now as an adult I am doing the same thing to my husband. I have also done the same thing to God, constantly expecting Him to be mad at me, then having to be reassured of His love. I realize now that guilt, the feeling of failure, or not meeting up to expectations, has been a constant theme in my life, and to avoid these feelings I have avoided responsibilities, relationships, and commitment. The main fallacy in all this however, is that I have the ability to be anything good on my own strength. In Psalms 16:2 David cries “I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord, I have no good besides you.” This verse has always spoken to me, yet I have failed to see how true it really is. By the very presence of guilt, I have admitted that I am relying on my own good to get me through the day. In reality, as Jesus has been constantly reminding me over the last few weeks, we have NO good outside of Him. When I fail, when I am less than I ought to be, I do not need to struggle. Instead I need to pray for the Holy Spirit to change me, to guide me. God wants to change us from the inside out, but He can’t do that very well when I am constantly having the ME that’s trying to change me getting in the way. Instead I need to pray for Christ in me, and to rest in His spirit. God is not waiting for me to get my act together and read the Bible every day. He is not waiting for me to be a good wife and do the laundry every day. He is waiting me to give it all up, to rely on Him, and realize that I have nothing to fear, nothing to dread, because it is Him IN me that is going to do the work. He has taken all guilt, taken it upon Himself on the cross. Now, I need to move forward in faith, in joy, in prayer. There is freedom in knowing we have no good outside of Christ. Stephanie, summer 2010

Distractions (1)

My friend Ann recently gave me a copy of, Gift from the Sea, written by Anne Morrow Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh’s wife) in 1955. It was quite the gift. It is absolutely amazing to me how a mom writing in the 1950’s could be so relevant to the space and time that I am in as a mother in 2010. The pages in this short book stroked my soul and gave me the most enjoyable read I’ve had in years. I would highly recommend! Though I think I bought all the copies Powell’s had to offer… and have given them all away…

It cracks me up that Anne says, “For life today (1955!!!) in America is based on the premise of ever-widening circles of contact and communication.” If only she could see us now! Her point is that our lives are more complicated than lives of mother’s past used to be… there are more demands, more opportunities, more good things that we need to say no to if we are going to be able to give full focus to the best things! Unfortunately, I find saying no to good things is hard. Saying no to mediocre things is even often hard…

“What a circus act we women perform every day of our lives. It puts the trapeze artist to shame. Look at us. We run a tight rope daily, balancing a pile of books on the head. Baby-carriage, parasol, kitchen chair, still under control. Steady now! This is not the life of simplicity but the life of multiplicity that the wise men warn us of. It leads not to unification but to fragmentation. It does not bring grace; it destroys the soul.”

It’s true, we have so many more options than women before us did, than women in third world countries do. We are so privileged to have those choices… and yet, enter cliché: “with great privilege comes great responsibility!” I find that I’m not generally struggling to choose between the good and the bad – but between the good and the best. In the still points of the day, do I choose what is best, what is edifying, what is eternal? Are my priorities set? Am I moving on a course that is leading me towards fulfillment and purpose, the abundant life? Do I even have or take the pause to examine and see if and where and in what direction I am headed?! Or does life just overwhelm and complicate and distract?

Whereas the women before us, and today in other, less fortunate cultures, struggled merely to exist, we have the luxury of free time and the responsibility to choose how to use it wisely. Not so that we can measure up to some standard of modern world Proverbs 31 woman… but so that we can live a life of refreshing intentionality, of peace and grace.

I love that Anne chooses the word “distraction” to describe the common cause of complication in our lives, “Distraction is, always has been, and probably always will be inherent in a woman’s life.” Ever since discovering T.S. Eliot’s poem, Burnt Norton, and his line “distracted from distraction by distraction,” I’ve been obsessed with the word. It’s true though, for many of us it’s not some huge negative event or pivotal moment in life that keeps us from the things we ought or want to be about… it’s instead the little distractions. From bad things to mediocre things to good things, just enough distraction and I find myself off balance, out of synch, moving in the wrong direction, not moving at all…

So she poses the question, “how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.” Anne would agree, there is no easy answer, but perhaps it’s enough if we at least find ourselves asking the question.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1918